Overcoming Fear: How I Quit My Job
Yesterday was the last day at my job of Vice President of Information Technology in a company that I co-founded, and have helped build over the last ten years. I don’t have an offer from another technology company, I’m not looking to make a lateral shift. I have decided to profoundly change what I do day to day, to bring it in line with where my passions, creativity, and energy are centered from.
It wasn’t that one day I cleaned my ears with a Q-Tip and suddenly it was clear; the ingredients of change intermingled slowly. Giving up something that had been a part of me for almost a decade was not an easy decision.
Last summer, I decided to take action on some minor health issues that I had been apathetic towards for many years. I am 32 now, and feeling my mortality a little more closely. My doctor identified that the causes were not physical – instead, they were likely stress related. Her mandate was to treat the ends, not the means. This wasn’t an adequate solution for me, and so I looked outside of conventional medicine.
I started seeing a naturopath last November, but I have to admit, the course of naturopathic treatment didn’t suit me. I sustained it for five months, and in the end, the practitioner was as lost as how to help me. She had tried everything in her bag of tricks. But in one of my early visits, she recommend that I try yoga – a piece of advice that I acted on.
Enter Yoga
Establishing a yoga practice has created an undefinable space in me. It didn’t come right away, but with regular practice, it also didn’t take long. From the start to end of each class, I experienced a temporary transformation from chaotic to calm. At first it didn’t seem to be lasting far beyond the end of class. But the decision to continue to practice regularly meant that I was finding intention outside of class.
Somehow this practice has grounded life in me. That’s a pretty grand statement, but I think above all, it began to crack open my mind, and in the space created – a reservoir of new ideas, feelings and motivations pooled. I took a renewed interest piano (after 15 years), writing, sharing my recipes with others, I started this blog. I also have began to think of yoga a lifestyle over an intermittent practice.
Listening
Ironically, during this time, my stress response was becoming more acute. I had little idea of the cause or solution, and felt deeply frustrated that I was doing “everything right” to mitigate it. In an effort to further understand the stress, I identified the triggers of anxiety in my life, and observed my reaction them to them closely. I also started talking about stress. It had grown to a degree that I couldn’t just abide with it internally, I needed to start expressing it to people close to me. As soon as I put it into words, it was real, manifest, and could stand nothing short of a solution.
My now former job is truly remarkable – working remotely with the freedom to travel and work, great people, a small business energy that let you see your ideas turn into results in short measure. The exchange currency used to be simple: I gave a lot, and took back the satisfaction of a job well done. But in the past year, that hasn’t been enough. Beyond doing a job well, I’ve also realized that I want to do something that resonates more closely with my nature.
In the past, changing careers has been something I have discussed with my husband as if I was talking about someone else’s life. I’ve never let the idea penetrate the security shield protecting my sound existence. I would deflect the idea of “moving on” as something for the future, always a couple more years down the road. I didn’t shed light down an alternate path; I only saw darkness and unknown, and a direction of infinite fear.
Yoga helped me turn on the light.
Whatever I choose as my life’s pursuit, becomes my outlet for personal energy and creativity. I don’t like the word “work”, especially when used in contrast to “life” or “personal time”. I feel like I’ve sold myself short if I spend too much time doing something in a category defined by unwilling effort. Stress comes naturally when I engage in my life’s pursuit, and that is fine by me.
It’s remarkable how positive, energetic stress can degrade into destructive stress when the inner drive has shifted gear. But because I had all the parameters in place for an objectively ideal life; I had believed that my attitude was all that needed to change. I tried to continue to work as hard as I ever had, but at some point I passed empty and started running on fumes.
The Question
One night at dinner a close friend posed the idea “Why don’t you work part-time?” In the past I would have laughed at the idea; I believed my job simply couldn’t be done with part time effort. But the suggestion came surprisingly easy to me, I felt an immediate energy in even considering it. I brought up the idea with my former business partner. He himself had noticed that something was wrong, and was happy to accommodate this request on a short term basis.
What could the other half of my time might bring?
Nightly, between midnight and 6am, I’d lie awake considering what a part-time split between work and life could bring. But ultimately I did not want that distinct separation – I wanted to be pursuing something with full-time engagement. I was deeply restless, I don’t sit well in limbo without a firm decision in hand.
Understanding
One Saturday night during another contemplation session, I was sitting alone on my couch, computer on my lap, and I stumbled across an excerpt from “Soul Dance”, by Bill Plotkin
Harley Swift Deer, a Native American teacher, says that each of us has a survival dance and a sacred dance… Our survival dance, a foundational component of self-reliance, is what we do for a living—our way of supporting ourselves physically and economically… Once you have your survival dance established, you can wander, inwardly and outwardly, searching for clues to your sacred dance, the work you were born to do.
Read full excerpt
The feeling that came over me was best described as elated nausea. I heard myself so clearly. It was time to leave my survival dance behind, and set a new rhythm for myself. The dance actually became literal… I did a little jig in my living room.
Decision
I resigned five days later. The move was quick but I couldn’t deny my resolution. The hardest part of this process was recognizing that although I have undeniable fears, I can choose to accept and move beyond them. Everyone has fears. I started to look at people who I respect and realize that they too have fears; likely as many as me! But fears are only temporary if you act in spite of them. And soon there will be new ones to take their place, but their power will be lessened. Although they pass through your present life, they won’t calcify your spirit with apathy.
Don’t get too comfortable in the safe and secure default settings that limit your potential in life. For me, it took physical symptoms to alert me to a possible problem. Next I needed to create space to figure it out, and in that space, new passions started evolving. Once I listened, deciding on a solution and acting on it were much easier tasks.
Since my resignation I’ve been glowing. It’s a funny thing, strangers have been randomly greeting me while walking my dog. Apparently I’ve lost a subtle crease in my brow, and replaced it with a smile. It has not taken long for brilliant opportunities to arise from darkness, and I’ve begun to trust that as long as I choose a future that transcends fear and apathy, I will thrive.
Food is fuel for the manifestation, yoga gives form to the mystery. 
