I did intend to go to a Yin/meditation class tonight. It didn’t happen. I empathize with good excuses, especially my own. I was driving home from visiting my husband’s parents, and I had no food in the car, and realized it was too close to class time to eat anyway, but I was getting the hangries (I credit my sister for labeling the place between hunger and anger). So I came home and pulled out leftovers and watched the post-election turmoil in Iran, drug wars in Mexico, and ever expanding swine flu pandemic on the news. Sure glad I missed yoga tonight.

A few weeks ago I came across a yogini’s blog titled 108 Days of Yoga. Tonight I realize that that is 100 more days than me (a nice decimally-harmonzied number). She made time for her practice at 6 am each morning, amongst other commitments, not the least of which were running a studio, with a 7 month old child. Inspiration is comparison turned outside-in. This woman is inspiring.

Today marked day 17 of the 40 day yoga challenge, and day 1 of my husband’s three week trip to Europe. My challenge is now amplified because I’m struggling to quell feelings of envy, and also push against the hollow that’s shaping into loneliness.

It doesn’t help that my dog is whining by the door, wondering when her favorite owner will re-enter our living space. Sorry Tobi – you’ve got 21 weeks in dog-time to suffer through. I guess I’m getting off easy.

But honestly, this time will be good for me. I look around our place and see opportunity – untidy things I can obsess over or random chores that didn’t seem important last week. I’ve got lots of people to catch up with, new opportunities to dive into, hours of sleep to log, lotsa yoga to work through, and now more time now to get dirty in it.

Speaking of dirty. Yoga in the summer.

I love what the summer heat does to my muscle fibers. Like ice cream that’s sat in a bowl for a few extra minutes – yoga just tastes better in the heat. My sticky matt becomes a slip n’ slide, I squish into it when rolling from a squat to an inversion, down dogs lose their grip and become high planks. Okay it’s gross, but getting gross is kind of nice – once a day – for about an hour.

Yoga today was lengthening. We did lots of stretching with cloth bands, and broke apart scar tissue with golf balls. My balance was worse than normal – one of those days I felt like a stool needing a third leg. I hope my visceral balance is not an indicator of my internal stability.

Now for a cold sauvignon blanc and a starfish pose sleep… why not use the space.

Sunday morning power class is a notch above my weekday practice. I got squeezed and replenished in a few cycles through the class, turning over the leftover energy from yesterday and making room for clean morning fuel (aka a good breakfast). I ended up taking a late morning tap to round it off, and just woke up.

There were a couple of personal challenges evinced today. One that brought the glow of success, and the other, a realization that I have a bigger challenge to face.

We tried a pose that I had never done before, and I didn’t catch the name, but it involved moving from a standing balance pose to a modified crow out to high plank. Although I didn’t execute it perfectly, I feel with a few more attempts it will be singing (see resonance).

My second challenge came from acknowledging my present limits, deciding to stay on the safe side of that boundary, and then tackling the disappointment that stemmed from that decision. In a particularly challenging series of standing poses, I felt my knee tingle, like a sparkler had been set off inside. There was no pain, but I noticed the sensation and backed off. I couldn’t even attempt a modification with less intensity – it just wasn’t working out.

What came over me was disappointment – but the feeling wasn’t completely internal in its source and target. What arose above being disappointed in myself was the feeling that I had disappointed someone external to me (the instructor?). It sounds ridiculous, illogical, totally un-yoga… but that was what I felt. It’s a left over reaction from ballet, where I felt the teacher had invested in me, and “put” something in me and wasn’t “getting back”.

Photo by Uršula Berlo

So that’s got to go…. and that’s going to be a challenge because, well, I think today I realized that my practice is not completely seated from internal intention, and directed towards internal balance. There’s something like internal projection/reflection going on here. But it’s been acknowledged, so now I’ve got to do something about it. I have no ideas yet but I’ll ponder that in the next still moment.

Vinyasa is a dynamic style of yoga that emphasizes the flow of movement and breath between the postures, not just the postures themselves. My introduction to vinyasa was fun and thought provoking, so I’ll share a bit of both.

First the fun. I’m realizing that I really enjoy being upside down. Today I got to do 3 types of hand/head stands! We jumped, rolled, stretched and slinked between postures. I also found that the stress on my bad hip was lessened by the fact we didn’t hold the poses for a more than a few cycles of breath.

Islena instructed today’s class. She incorporated two thought-provoking ideas that I’d like to share (or at least my interpretations of them).

Resonance

The first idea is about finding resonance in your yoga practice. This is a place where your body and mind are attuned to the energy in every level of our being, from the atomic to a higher self. This sounded pretty esoteric until she demonstrated the analogy using a gong.

After striking the gong, if there is an interruption (like holding your finger against the gong), the tone is muffled and does not resonate. In yoga practice, if you have discomfort, excessive tension, or pain, you are muffling the ability of your body and mind to resonate from the poses. If, however, you free your practice by expressing your movements and postures at the “right” energy, the internal gong will reverberate with a spectrum of harmonics.

I thought this was a beautiful metaphor, and an alternative the idea finding the “edge”, where you measure your physical limits by monitoring your breath and body’s cues. Here, you seek not a limit – but a sense of harmony. This especially makes sense in vinyasa: as you move from posture to posture, the series of tones forms a song.

Fascia

Islena also encouraged us to focus our attention on the fascia (I never knew I had any of this stuff prior to today!) Reading further on Wikipedia, it’s described as “an uninterrupted, three-dimensional web of tissue that extends from head to toe, from front to back, from interior to exterior.” It wraps almost every other part of our anatomy in its casing. Because in our practice we commonly focus on sensations in the muscles and joints, we neglect to think about the stuff that binds it all together. I had always wondered how organs stay in place when I’m standing on my head!

But it gets more interesting – this stuff isn’t just structural. Again from Wikipedia, it “provides the medium that allows for intercellular communication“. That strikes me as a powerful idea. Each of our body’s cells is pretty much a self contained micro-system. But the fascia is what brings these units to form a whole greater than the sum of the parts. I’m going to focus positive concentration on the fascia – I love these discoveries!

Islena’s suggestion to bring our attention to the fascia made particular sense in vinyasa, where interconnected movements are made possible by the physical structure that binds us.

All in all it was a great class, the kind that pushes your practice forward a notch, or three.

The new version is “To let myself practice within my physical means.” That means staying further away from my perceived edge, since apparently I’m a poor judge of where it lies.

Goals and challenges aside – I feel lucky to be part of this day.

I held it together through the first 45 minutes of class – controlled breath and movements. But in triangle pose, I reached my arm and gaze up to the sky and then felt my neck tweak out. 40 Day Challenge Goal #1 has been shattered.

The last time I strained my neck was in triangle pose too. It’s an old waterskiing whiplash injury that resurfaces without warning. And that’s what is frustrating me… I’ve heard that you should only go to your edge, not beyond it, and to maintain this balance by observing the depth/quality of your breath. But in a twist, when my breath is shallow to begin with, I can’t measure where I am with respect to my limits.

Apart from that tissue snag, the class was purifying. Lots of sweat and energy. Now to haul out the ice pack and take note of the pattern – I need to be careful in triangle pose.

After the call ended, I was buzzing with adrenalin – that kind that comes from the game of formulating your opinion into a logical argument for an extended period of time. Getting closer to the studio I noticed the no-nonsense sunshine and warm breeze, and my energy turned to giddiness.

I was worried I might have an eruptive laughing episode during pranayama… it will happen one of these days. But I gradually gained control of the energy the was bubbling over, and turned it inward.

By the end of class my energy melted my physical form into a warm wax blob. I find that when I get into this state, I lose my natural breathing rhythm in savasana. I’ll suddenly be snapped back to consciousness when my body gasps for much a needed breath. I’m not sure about that situation… if I should be happy that I’ve reached a state of deep relaxation? I just didn’t figure my body’s responses would check out along with my thoughts.

Anyhow… brilliant day. It can’t feel much better than this.

At Ian’s suggestion, I’ve decided to write down my state before and after class experience, to note mini-transformations that can directly be related to yoga class.

Before Class

I’m purple with cold and obsessing about how tired I look. I’ve been sitting too long today (as usual) so my heart is beating low and steady. It’s sunny and beautiful and the day’s still go a lot to give!

After Class

I was doing amazingly well until I came home, tripped over the dishwasher and smashed by knee on the stoneware plates. The collateral damage: one chipped plate. My knee is still swelling.

That event aside, yoga practice was settling. I warmed up, exchanged a lot of air, unglued some tightly bound muscle fibers. My central focus today was on breathing. It was a good opportunity because it was a hatha class, where I couldn’t push myself physically beyond my limits. In savasana I didn’t get tracked away by any thoughts for too long… just one in particular about outlasting my genetic potential.

Time for dins.

The theme of the challenge is “personal revolution” which I’m currently chin-deep in (it’s been quite the spring). The timing also coincides perfectly with three events: in 40 days I turn 32 years old, so this is a perfect ramp-up to that milestone. The day after my birthday I leave for yoga teacher training, so I can use the practice. Also, my husband Ian is away the whole month of June, so I’ll have lots of time to turn the focus inwards.

Apart from the discipline of sticking to a concentrated yoga schedule, a kind of Mid-Years Resolution, I’ve been contemplating my larger goals. What do I want to get out of this? I’ve practiced yoga regularly since last November, but haven’t consciously tracked my progress from one point in time to another. Instead I tend to retrospectively reflect on the months past and smile when I realize the positive changes are probably attributable, at least in part, to my practice.

So with a pro-active mind, here are the units on my measuring stick:

To mitigate injury for 40 days. I know this is yoga we’re talking about, but I have the tendency to push myself a bit beyond my natural limits. I can’t help it – I come from a classical ballet background where pain is a tool for progress. So if I can get through 40 days without aggravating an old injury, I will be satisfied. This will require listening to my breathe and body’s feedback instead of pushing through it to achieve perfect form.

To attend 1 class a week that I do not normally attend. I have the tendency to stick to what I know and enjoy, and hatha and power yoga are my favorites. My studio offers vinyasa, yin and meditation classes too – so I resolve to attend one of these each week!

To try to be aware during savasana. Okay I admit it, I let me mind run free during savasana… yep. I don’t just observe the thoughts come and go, I hop on for the ride, and let my conscious mind take me wherever the hell it wants to go. So my goal is to actively try to focus my awareness and resist the urge to let my unbridled thoughts carry me away.

To meditate twice a week. No explanations here, it’s just something I’m going to do. No set time limits. Just get down on my butt and whip out the mental squeegee.

To blog my progress. I won’t be writing every day, but I’m going to try to write about the notable thoughts and feelings that arise from the challenge.

No coffee. No sleeping pills. Ouch… that sounds sketchy but my rationale may be blogged at a later time.

I wonder if just getting through 40 days would have been enough? I guess I can’t fault myself for being ambitious. We’ll see how this goes.

40 Day Challenge Series

40 Day Yoga Challenge: Day 1
40 Day Yoga Challenge: Day 2
40 Day Yoga Challenge: Day 3
40 Day Yoga Challenge: Day 5
40 Day Yoga Challenge: Day 6