Authenticity gives you license to love without the recoil of mind.

and/or

Love gives you the authenticity to live without recoil of the spirit.

’nuff said & goodnight.

I live next to the train tracks. When my husband and I first moved here just over a year ago, they each manifested as trains of consciouness: the screech of steel rims spinning over gritty tracks tore my focus away for a short ride.

But I began to adjust to the rhythym, and now the trains are just a blur moving across the periphery of awareness.

My life has changed over the past year, significantly, and by the power of my intention. The challenges and choices have all occured in the present, under the control of my breath’s capacity. You can’t be overwhelmed when you’re just taking in a lungful of life, exhaling out the junk.

I haven’t taken time to assemble my thoughts into a blog post for months, and I don’t intend to encompass everything here. It’s overwhelming, as I realize where my self is now, with respect to these changes.

If I am the benign observer, I’m sitting on a train car, watching the ground with a fixed gaze. At first I was able to distinguish each frame of vision, each thought, individually. How new this is! What evolution from the last frame! But then I relaxed my gaze and stared beyond it. I let my vision blur and I honed on an unmoving place under the surface.

Now the ground is whizzing by, beautiful stokes of colour stream across my sightline. I want to mark this moment, some moment, this one or another. But now I wonder if by launching a nugget of experience off the train like baggage, it would be broken by momentum when it hits the ground.

Tangibly now. I’m incredibly blessed, and deeply thankful of each day. I am now co-owner of a yoga studio, Newport Yoga. It’s just minutes from my door. I have a new community of open hearted people that I relate to every day. The future of the studio is going to be co-authored by my pen. People who come to practice yoga are seekers.

My husband said to me tonight that he can’t remember the last time I was in a “mood”. It’s true, I’m consistently happy. A big step for me.

It’s not really the yoga. I love yoga – but that is only the language of my autobiography. What’s evolving in me (I say tentatively…) is confidence. I’ve struck myself down so many times, even when I’m achieving “goals” I counteract my gains with assault on my body and mind.

But when I walk into the studio, my anxiety ebbs. I work to culivate a group dynamic and personal experience for the participants in my classes. It’s outside of me. I think, at least lately, I’ve been beating my fear.

I had so many personal doubts when I decided to make yoga and the studio my focus. But I chose to ignore them. Something beneath the chiding words of my ego rose above them, and I listened too it. I’m still calling it “It”. When I’ve resolved that “it” is “me” then we’ll celebrate

Love yourself.

Karen

These questions are in response to a post on Brave New Traveler, asking readers to chronicle their current spiritual beliefs.

The great thing about drawing a line in the sand is that it will inevitably be eroded away. This excercise allowed me to take a snapshot of where my view on the world, universe, spirit and humanity currently sit. I’m thinking I’ll wait 5 years and answer them again. For the time being, this is my soft stance!

1. Why is there poverty and suffering in the world?

   This will sound apathetic: but I believe that it is the nature of life. We each have a finite existence, with finite resources, yet we also have infinite desires and an instinct to create a legacy for our decendants. These accumulated legacy means that our societies don’t reach equilibrium – there are those that have more than others. What makes humanity so incredible is that we question this cycle and attempt to transcend it. Even if it is just a move of self-preservation on a higher level, it’s interesting that we are conscious of it, and sometimes choose to be altruistic.

2. What is the relationship between science and religion?

   I believe that they are distinct means towards a common goal: “the truth”. Science seeks objective proof to converts theories into “fact”. But every fact is only a piece of an undefinable whole – it’s like being gifted shares in a corporation where limitless shares can be issued in the future. The theories that science hardens into fact today may be irrelevant in future.

   Religion, at least those that I have an affinity for, seeks truth through introspection. I think there’s a beautiful simplicity in that. At a certain point the subjectivity falls away, and all that we can be left with is the whole.

3. Why are so many people depressed?

   I believe that longterm or acute stress is the direct, but not root cause of depression. What’s causes stress? Perhaps that we will die without understanding, nevermind fulfilling, our reason for being here. We have a false sense of purpose, to create security and comfort in our lives, but this desire is limitless; and at some level we are sensitive to the imbalance. Those who are stressed are not as overtly aware of the rift between their actions are their real purpose – and stress is a symptom of that is. Depression results when stress degrades our physical body and mind beyond our reserves.

4. What are we all so afraid of?

   We are afraid of dying without realizing the nature of our existence, and without having the chance, for at least for a moment, to live in accordance with it.

5. When is war justifiable?

   Someone wise (the name has escaped me) said that you are on the “right path” if your feelings, your thoughts, your words (speech) and your actions are in accordance with each other. If it is ever possible for a conflict to be free of ulterior motives and subversive demands – if war can possibly arise from a place of honesty on every level, then it is justifiable. I don’t think a war like this has ever been fought.

6. How would God want us to respond to aggression and terrorism?

   Firstly, I don’t believe big G wants anything at all. But if I were to be mindful of the Whole that encompasses good and evil, us and them, I’d arrive at the conclusion that we must strip the label “terrorism” from our vocabulary. Terror is our reaction, and we make ourselves victims by labeling the aggressors as “terrorists”. The only way that we can respond is by examining ourselves, opening up more dialog and giving more away. We are all human beings. But I’m an idealist, I’m empathetic to a fault, and I have never lived under conditions that made me feel terror.

7. How does one obtain true peace?

   I’ve been on Salt Spring Island for yoga teacher training for the past two weeks. One night a group of us went down to the beach to watch the sunset. On the drive down to the water, my window was wide open and the damp salty air was tangling my hair. I thought to myself “How great would it be to own a place here, sometime in the future?” The thought was accompanied by a pang of desire. I laughed at myself – here I am, alive and healthy on an exquisite evening. I am already here! Right now! How ridiculous is my mind. I think peace comes from getting over these thoughts.

8. What does it mean to live in the present moment?

   I like Warrior 2 pose because it reminds me of this: one arm stretched behind us to find stability from our past, but not reaching to clasp hold of our memories or point fingers at our regrets. The other arm stretching out in front of us, eyes gazing with confidence into the future, but not clamoring for things we think we desire, nor worrying about the unknown. Our hearts and our heads are settled in perfect balance in the middle. That’s the present moment.

9. What is our greatest distraction?

   Our fear – it’s causes us to believe instead of seeking the truth for ourselves. When distracted by fear, we see the unknown as unworthy of exploration. It also keeps us from laughing at ourselves.

10. Is current religion serving its purpose?

    No. I think most religions are self-serving institutions of control rather than guides for attaining inner peace. I believe that most of their core teachings are well founded, but I don’t support systems that require “conversion”; thereby excluding people from, and including subscribers in, with a clear line drawn between. I would like to see a move towards open belief systems that recognize the similarities, and respect the differences, between themselves and other systems. These systems would allow people to explore and migrate between them freely.

11. What happens to you after you die?

    I don’t believe in a discreet soul, but I do believe in an energy exists beyond the properties of our discreet bodies. This energy is persistent, and is interwoven with all that there is and even all that there is not. So the discreet “you” with your thoughts and personality cease to be – but the “you” that is everything and nothing will persist after death.

12. Describe heaven and how to get there.

    I can’t describe something I don’t believe exists.

13. What is the meaning of life?

    The problem with looking for meaning, is that the meaning of the meaning is then open for question, and so on… Ever get involved with a 2-year old that cheekily throws back every explanation with a “But why?”. I’m not sure an ultimate meaning exists – it results from our subjective perspective on the Whole, and a misguided attempt to relate to it through the duality of creator and creation; that the former had a “goal” when creating the latter.

    I do believe it’s compelling to understand the nature of life over it’s meaning.

14. Describe God.

    Big G: everything that is and everything that isn’t, and everything else in between.

15. What is the greatest quality humans possess?

    Our awareness of two things: the infinite, and zero.

16. Non-verbally, by motion or gesture only, act out what you believe to be the current condition of the world.

    More matter is held in living form, and an increasing amount in the configuration of the human form. There is a trend towards greater complexity on subtle and overt planes. I’m an optimist – I think in spite of having no meaning that it’s a beautiful thing.

17. What is your one wish for the world?

    That we each foster more empathy for all.

18. What is wisdom and how do we gain it?

    Wisdom is teaching from your authentic self. It starts by being humble enough to learn. Therein you have opened yourself to greater and greater realms. Finally you can be truthful in feelings, thoughts, words and action.

19. Are we all one?

    Yep. Phew finally a simple yes or no.

Yesterday was the last day at my job of Vice President of Information Technology in a company that I co-founded, and have helped build over the last ten years. I don’t have an offer from another technology company, I’m not looking to make a lateral shift. I have decided to profoundly change what I do day to day, to bring it in line with where my passions, creativity, and energy are centered from.

It wasn’t that one day I cleaned my ears with a Q-Tip and suddenly it was clear; the ingredients of change intermingled slowly. Giving up something that had been a part of me for almost a decade was not an easy decision.

Last summer, I decided to take action on some minor health issues that I had been apathetic towards for many years. I am 32 now, and feeling my mortality a little more closely. My doctor identified that the causes were not physical – instead, they were likely stress related. Her mandate was to treat the ends, not the means. This wasn’t an adequate solution for me, and so I looked outside of conventional medicine.

I started seeing a naturopath last November, but I have to admit, the course of naturopathic treatment didn’t suit me. I sustained it for five months, and in the end, the practitioner was as lost as how to help me. She had tried everything in her bag of tricks. But in one of my early visits, she recommend that I try yoga – a piece of advice that I acted on.

Enter Yoga

Establishing a yoga practice has created an undefinable space in me. It didn’t come right away, but with regular practice, it also didn’t take long. From the start to end of each class, I experienced a temporary transformation from chaotic to calm. At first it didn’t seem to be lasting far beyond the end of class. But the decision to continue to practice regularly meant that I was finding intention outside of class.

Somehow this practice has grounded life in me. That’s a pretty grand statement, but I think above all, it began to crack open my mind, and in the space created – a reservoir of new ideas, feelings and motivations pooled. I took a renewed interest piano (after 15 years), writing, sharing my recipes with others, I started this blog. I also have began to think of yoga a lifestyle over an intermittent practice.

Listening

Ironically, during this time, my stress response was becoming more acute. I had little idea of the cause or solution, and felt deeply frustrated that I was doing “everything right” to mitigate it. In an effort to further understand the stress, I identified the triggers of anxiety in my life, and observed my reaction them to them closely. I also started talking about stress. It had grown to a degree that I couldn’t just abide with it internally, I needed to start expressing it to people close to me. As soon as I put it into words, it was real, manifest, and could stand nothing short of a solution.

My now former job is truly remarkable – working remotely with the freedom to travel and work, great people, a small business energy that let you see your ideas turn into results in short measure. The exchange currency used to be simple: I gave a lot, and took back the satisfaction of a job well done. But in the past year, that hasn’t been enough. Beyond doing a job well, I’ve also realized that I want to do something that resonates more closely with my nature.

In the past, changing careers has been something I have discussed with my husband as if I was talking about someone else’s life. I’ve never let the idea penetrate the security shield protecting my sound existence. I would deflect the idea of “moving on” as something for the future, always a couple more years down the road. I didn’t shed light down an alternate path; I only saw darkness and unknown, and a direction of infinite fear.

Yoga helped me turn on the light.

Whatever I choose as my life’s pursuit, becomes my outlet for personal energy and creativity. I don’t like the word “work”, especially when used in contrast to “life” or “personal time”. I feel like I’ve sold myself short if I spend too much time doing something in a category defined by unwilling effort. Stress comes naturally when I engage in my life’s pursuit, and that is fine by me.

It’s remarkable how positive, energetic stress can degrade into destructive stress when the inner drive has shifted gear. But because I had all the parameters in place for an objectively ideal life; I had believed that my attitude was all that needed to change. I tried to continue to work as hard as I ever had, but at some point I passed empty and started running on fumes.

The Question

One night at dinner a close friend posed the idea “Why don’t you work part-time?” In the past I would have laughed at the idea; I believed my job simply couldn’t be done with part time effort. But the suggestion came surprisingly easy to me, I felt an immediate energy in even considering it. I brought up the idea with my former business partner. He himself had noticed that something was wrong, and was happy to accommodate this request on a short term basis.

What could the other half of my time might bring?

Nightly, between midnight and 6am, I’d lie awake considering what a part-time split between work and life could bring. But ultimately I did not want that distinct separation – I wanted to be pursuing something with full-time engagement. I was deeply restless, I don’t sit well in limbo without a firm decision in hand.

Understanding

One Saturday night during another contemplation session, I was sitting alone on my couch, computer on my lap, and I stumbled across an excerpt from “Soul Dance”, by Bill Plotkin

Harley Swift Deer, a Native American teacher, says that each of us has a survival dance and a sacred dance… Our survival dance, a foundational component of self-reliance, is what we do for a living—our way of supporting ourselves physically and economically… Once you have your survival dance established, you can wander, inwardly and outwardly, searching for clues to your sacred dance, the work you were born to do.
Read full excerpt

The feeling that came over me was best described as elated nausea. I heard myself so clearly. It was time to leave my survival dance behind, and set a new rhythm for myself. The dance actually became literal… I did a little jig in my living room.

Decision

I resigned five days later. The move was quick but I couldn’t deny my resolution. The hardest part of this process was recognizing that although I have undeniable fears, I can choose to accept and move beyond them. Everyone has fears. I started to look at people who I respect and realize that they too have fears; likely as many as me! But fears are only temporary if you act in spite of them. And soon there will be new ones to take their place, but their power will be lessened. Although they pass through your present life, they won’t calcify your spirit with apathy.

Don’t get too comfortable in the safe and secure default settings that limit your potential in life. For me, it took physical symptoms to alert me to a possible problem. Next I needed to create space to figure it out, and in that space, new passions started evolving. Once I listened, deciding on a solution and acting on it were much easier tasks.

Since my resignation I’ve been glowing. It’s a funny thing, strangers have been randomly greeting me while walking my dog. Apparently I’ve lost a subtle crease in my brow, and replaced it with a smile. It has not taken long for brilliant opportunities to arise from darkness, and I’ve begun to trust that as long as I choose a future that transcends fear and apathy, I will thrive.

It’s now day 26 of the 40 day yoga challenge. Today I took my first rest day after 8 days of yoga. That marks the longest stretch of consecutive days I’ve ever practiced, but I’m aware by what short a time that really is. Even so, I’m etching a notch on the peg so I can look back next year and recognize change.

I did intend to go to a Yin/meditation class tonight. It didn’t happen. I empathize with good excuses, especially my own. I was driving home from visiting my husband’s parents, and I had no food in the car, and realized it was too close to class time to eat anyway, but I was getting the hangries (I credit my sister for labeling the place between hunger and anger). So I came home and pulled out leftovers and watched the post-election turmoil in Iran, drug wars in Mexico, and ever expanding swine flu pandemic on the news. Sure glad I missed yoga tonight.

A few weeks ago I came across a yogini’s blog titled 108 Days of Yoga. Tonight I realize that that is 100 more days than me (a nice decimally-harmonzied number). She made time for her practice at 6 am each morning, amongst other commitments, not the least of which were running a studio, with a 7 month old child. Inspiration is comparison turned outside-in. This woman is inspiring.